The Magical Unicorn Formula for Making the Perfect French Press Coffee

French Press Coffee

Ah… French Press Coffee! The press itself can deliver amazing coffee. But it can be eternally frustrating.

Top five suggestions for an AMAZING French Press: (Yes, it involves actual unicorn magic!)

  1. Start with the best coffee. Jack, you know – Jack from the beanstalk, found magic beans. Why can’t you? Start with artisanal, small batch grown, harvested, and roasted coffee beans. It’s better if they are grown in an aquarium or an old shoe or the back of a VW van or something. The smaller the batch the better! I suggest that THESE ARE THE ONLY BEANS TO USE!
  2. Chop your coffee with precision. Notice I didn’t say grind. Ew! That’s primitive. Chop your beans into precise segments – try for 1mm cubes. (If you use a horn handle knife, do your research!  Find one from a unicorn and NOT from stag horn. Uncommon items make uncommon coffee, people!) Of course, chopping coffee is very time consuming, I know. So, I outsource this to a tiny troll. You can hire one here. My life is perfect now that I have one. (FYI, I had to fire two before I landed on this one, so make sure you don’t get a slacker. Demand much, and they’ll live up to it.)
  3. Heat the Water Properly. So many people use a microwave, electric kettle, or a stove top to heat their coffee water. This is unsanitary and disgusting. You should always heat your water in a copper vessel in a 500F degree oven. No cutting corners here!
  4. Only the Best Press will Work. Modern glass presses are lame. They don’t hold the water temperature like they should. You should be using a large sock in a wooden butter churn. It’s the ONLY way to press your coffee properly and hold the temperature at the right point for the duration of the brew. Don’t settle for “being able to see it!” That’s why our country is in the mess it is right now!

How do YOU make French Press? Comment below, even if you’re doing it wrong!

Happy Sipping!


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